Clarice Feldman E-XXX-sposed..!?

An Open Letter To Clarice Feldman from the PJFFC

Dear Ms. Feldman,

We're writing to you, women-to-woman, because it's come to our attention that you may need a bit of assistance in the romance department. You see, we've decided that your many denouncing editorials, your complaint to the DOJ professional responsibility board, and your apparent dislike of the man is nothing but a ruse. We believe that you're madly in love with Patrick J. Fitzgerald.

We are the Patrick J. Fitzgerald Fan Club, and we understand your suffering. If he would only just go OUTSIDE once in awhile so we could get more pictures of him from the media photographers posted outside his offices (our stalker proxies), or once again hold a flurry of indictment news conferences? We merely want pictures! We're only guilty of love in the first degree! Indict US if you must!

We digress.

Clarice, come on. You can't resist those piercing blue eyes and that sweet smile, can you? You want to lay your head on one of those broad shoulders while he whispers sweet nothings in your ear, like "statute," "admissible," and "satisfy...the court". (You're feeling a little warm right now, aren't you?) You want to fall asleep on his office couch while he reads a file from a case heard in 1994, right? How about those late nights discovering the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth -- boxers, or briefs?

Be honest. You wouldn't be so obsessed with him if you didn't really, truly, in your heart of hearts, admit that he makes your toes curl, doesn't he? If you want to date him, you'll have to do what every other woman since the dawn of time has had to do to get a man's attention: Play hard-to-get. Flirt with another guy in his office. (We do know that Mr. Shapiro would like some attention, for instance.) <more>

Oh my...who's next, Maureen Dowd?

Reference - see: I Am In Big Trouble Now..!
(Clarice's scathing letter to DoJ Office of Professional Responsibility)